True Story of Milana
It’s all still clear in my head – how it happened, how I felt. I remember when I was five years old, I was enjoying a game of caroms with my cousins, when one of my elder cousin brothers called out to me. I did not think much about it, I just went. Taking advantage of my innocence, he then took me into a dark room and sexually abused me there. I was so naïve at that age that I didn’t know what he was doing except that I could feel a lot of pain. Even the next day I felt lot of pain.
This continued for quite some time. I did not like how it felt and I somehow knew it was wrong. So I wouldn’t speak about it to anyone. It had always been a secret. I cannot remember for how many years this continued.
Eventually, it stopped. But the mental trauma that came after that did not. Children should grow and learn things about life at their own pace. But this was not something that I had the pleasure of doing. I knew more things about life. From a very young age the way I looked at a man was completely different because I understood things way beyond than what girls my age would. And the way I looked at my cousin was only with hatred. I behaved like nothing was wrong when we met at family gatherings. But deep down both of us knew.
This childhood experience of mine didn’t become just a vague memory like all of my childhood memories. It stayed fresh in my head and backfired in my teenage years. It affected me in many ways. I became very insecure and started blaming myself for every wrong thing that happened to me. I always was this “tom boy” kind of a girl. So I suppressed my feelings deep down and became a very cold person. I would always be this chirpy, bubbly girl that everybody loved. But no one saw that on the inside, I was very hurt and I chose to keep it bottled up inside for many years.
One fine day, I decided that I was suffering for too long and realized that the only way to get out of it, might be to talk to someone. I approached my aunt whom I was pretty close with and told her what had happened to me. Her only advise – was to keep to myself and not talk about it to anyone because it would raise an uproar within the family. Since, my family was a conservative one, issues like this are always swept under the rug, as it might damage the family’s reputation. I felt as if a door that I had tried to open to freedom had closed shut instantly.
So, in course of time, I started attending Overboard Fellowship, run by Joy akka. There I confided in her. She told me that Jesus could take all my hurt of the past away and give me a brand new life. She prayed and prophesied over me and I felt so light in my heart after that. I got a different revelation totally about the nature of God, there, and that’s how the healing began.
Initially, I was like- why me? What did I do wrong at the age of 5? Slowly, I stopped blaming myself for whatever had happened to me. Whatever happened to me was wrong, but Jesus already paid for all that wrong more than 2,000 years ago, on the cross, and took the punishment upon himself, only because he loves us so much. I learned more about his forgiveness, unconditional love and my true identity in Christ.
Then I heard about how God loves all of us equally. The guy who came last still got paid the same wages, and they were rewarded according to God’s mercy and kindness. God is extending love even to the guy who wronged me. If he could be loved, then how much more – me? The healing began when I understood that God doesn’t see you according to your ‘wrongs’ or ‘rights’, but through the cross, and He is always looking for a way to bless you. After 18 years of trying to deal with this, I finally found a way out. My Father restored me. I was able to forgive my abuser. I now saw myself as righteous, through Jesus!!!
I found a new life in Christ – it changed my perspective of how I looked at myself. I am a much stronger person now, completely healed from all that hurt and pain.
I don’t worry about my future also – God will bring me the right person, who will understand and overlook my past and love me for what I am now. I live my life with no shame of the past and with no regrets. Thanks to Jesus!
Story of Milana (Name changed to protect identity; she chose this name because it means precious one 🙂
Interviewed and Written by Nitya Janice
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