Why am I stuck in this relationship?


You know you should move on, but you are stuck. You see yourself being abused, but you are stuck. You are getting hurt repeatedly, but you are still stuck. Your head tells you to move, but your heart is weak.

And a weak heart becomes a stubborn heart, because it starts to feed on someone else, and now that that someone else is leaving, it feels miserable. It is craving and crying out for food, like a hungry little infant who cries his lungs out, not worrying who is getting disturbed, but stubbornly just focusing on one thing – I want food! Babies are self-centered.

When babies act like that, it is childish. When adults like childish, it is immature.

But it is not like you want to – you feel helpless or should I say powerless. The tape playing in your mind is ‘I am hopeless victim of life. And I will settle down for this one relationship, though I know it sucks.’ That hopelessness actually dictates your decision. Hopelessness says, “Look, there is nothing better in the future for you. You better grab on to this grub (relationship), and feed from it, though it is not good. But you are not so good either. So you better settle down for the familiar – at least you know the guy. You’ve seen his worst side. So, just stick to him. This is as good as it gets.” Lies, lies, lies – from the devil.

Many girls give me this excuse, “but we became very physical, so I can’t be with anyone else.” So your reason to stick to this guy is that you crossed the line sexually? In effect you are saying – I am making that decision based on a wrong decision (sexual intimacy before marriage), and now I want to continue in that decision?

You choose your life partner because you are convinced in your heart that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with – a conviction full of trust, and love, and not insecurity, or obligation. We are not debtors or obligated to the flesh or the carnal nature.:”We are debtors, but not to the flesh [we are not obligated to our carnal nature], to live [a life ruled by the standards set up by the dictates] of the flesh.” Romans 8:12. Carnal nature is nothing but your human nature without the Holy Spirit. Amplified Bible says the mind of the flesh is sense and reasoning without the Holy Spirit.

To say you want to stick to someone just cos’ you both messed up is stupid. It is a decision based on insecurity and nothing good is going to come out of that relationship.137_m

Deep down, you know that you know that you know that you are settling down for less. The problem is not with the other person, and how bad he or she is treating you, but that you are helplessly in love, so you don’t want to leave. The problem is with you – you have never loved yourself, and now you don’t want to let go of the one source of love you found, that one well you found, even if it has dirty water, because you think you will never ever find a well again, or love again.

I remember being in that horribly frustrating situation. I knew I had to break-up, but I kept falling back though I was being abused and here’s the funny part – deep down, I knew I don’t want to marry this guy, and if I do – it would be a disaster. Still, that head knowledge did not empower me to make the right decision.

Your heart is a well-spring of life, and out of it spring the issues of life. Out of it also spring evil thoughts. I thought I can handle the affairs of my heart, but I failed miserably. I just could not.

That’s when I asked God’s help, and allowed him to step into this area of my life, which was well-protected by my own high defense walls, like a fort. Whenever you feel very helpless in an area, and find yourself unable to do what you need to, it is a stronghold for the devil. He is ruling that fort, and has convinced you to not even let God enter in. Because if Jesus enters, He will heal the brokenness, the hurt and the pain. And the heart will spring back to being a spring of life and not death.

Oh how we resist divine entry into our hearts. Healing process hurts beloved, and I know that. But the same process also heals. Jesus is the super-hero for healing broken hearts. He is anointed to heal us. We can never handle our hearts, no matter how intelligent we think we are. Solomon was the wisest man in the world with the weakest heart that brought his downfall. That’s why he warns us, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (Prov 4:23)

That’s why I refrained much from trying to make ‘sense’ in this article, because the heart never understands sense knowledge. It is only revelation knowledge that frees the heart to think right and act right. And revelation knowledge or the rhema word comes only from the Spirit of God. When He speaks to our heart, our heart listens – because deep connects to deep – the creation connects to the creator.

I love how well it is said in Luke 12:29-31 – And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it … But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
Note he says, don’t set your heart on temporal basic worries of life, but set your heart (seek) on his Kingdom. The kingdom is about the King – seek King Jesus. Kingdom = King-dominion. Once the dominion of Jesus is established in your heart, the devil has no place, and every pain has to leave!

Jesus solves our heart issues! He solves the famine problem (love famine – what to eat, where will I get love from). He solves the hurt problem by healing you. He solves the worry problem, by assuring you of His providence. And He solves the hope-problem. He is the God of hope. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Prov 13:12). He enters your sick heart and makes it well, healthy to love yourself again.

He fills it with joy, he trades your ashes for beauty, your sorrow for joy, your heaviness for praise. He floods your heart with hope, and as you start getting hope-full, one by one, as if linked in a chain, insecurity breaks off, hopelessness loses its grip, fear breaks away, worry disappears, weakness wears away, and before you know it, you are free.

You are not stuck. Now your heart helps you determine the course of your life, and also provides strength and passion to go after it.

Just praying is not the solution – allow the Holy Spirit to change your wrong thinking – that’s where all the problem lies. You are stuck, because you are believing lies from the devil that your situation is hopeless. But the Spirit of truth will guide you into all truth and that’s when breakthrough happens. What is needed is a breakthrough in your mind.

Jesus heals the sick-heart and makes it well. If you feel stuck in a relationship today, and it has robbed your peace, joy, and your heart is full of fear and worries – allow the Holy Spirit to minister healing to you first. Eat and drink of the love of God which never runs out of supply, and before you know it, you will think right and act right – and get un-stuck!

(I’ll be teaching more on Healing the brokenhearted, on October 12, at our combined event. Check my FB account or facebook.com/transit218 or facebook.com/overboardfellowship for details)

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