Day 17: Sex and the Single!

Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) in the first few episodes of the super-hit series Sex and the City, is shown having sex with different guys in different episodes. One of them, she had known only for 15 minutes. Sex with acquaintances! At a birthday party for Miranda, Carrie and her friends decide to start having sex like men, meaning without all the emotional attachment.

Someone got us that video series, since my sister needs to do some timepass, while she is with the baby (months old) 24/7. We finished with Criminal Minds, Ally Mc Beal, and we just watched this to find out what the  fuss was all about. We saw 3 episodes and could not see one more. Today was the last.

Our Indian parents didn’t let us watch it on TV, when it was aired, because the name shocked them. I lived in a house where, if the hero and heroine are coming closer for a smooch, and the channel is not swapped before their lips touch, we were dead, even if we can’t find the freaking remote! Ya, and this was true at 13 and 30yrs! Lol.

The underlying theme  was  that sex is a basic necessity and  if you’ve not had it in a long time, when single, something’s wrong with you – it is a need, that needs to fulfilled NOW. Like how roti, kapda, makaan are basics for living – in the show, it was roti, kapda, makaan and sex in anybody’s makaan.

I could not help but think about the show after our discussions about sex in the counseling session.

Sex is a need? Of course it is. Especially if your hitting 30s, and post-30s, doctors say you become like a frustrated teenager, wondering what to do with the hormones. One reason why the show was a super hit world over.

Here’s my take: If I take a Harley Davidson and use it for everything else but riding, I’m abusing that majestic bike. Cos it was created and made for a particular purpose, for a particular use. If you take it and use it for some other use than what it was created for, you abuse it.  That’s why we say substance abuse, child abuse, etc. – take something and use it for the wrong purpose.

Sex is like fire. You can use fire to cook a wonderful meal or burn a house down. Just cos you get a kick out of burning things, doesn’t mean fire was made for that!

We were asked to fill in questions about sex. In this we also covered topics like how we relate to the opposite sex, define sex, how important is sex in marriage, should sex always be initiated by the husband, and so on.

We were reminded that sex was made for pleasure in marriage, for promotion of marital happiness and for procreation – definitely a gift to be enjoyed within the boundaries of marriage – with your own wife and own husband, and not gharwali and baharwali. It is the ultimate expression of intimacy, but not the only one.  Also, in India, old schoolers think sex is only for kids and kids and kids.

We were asked “What do you understand by the word ‘intimacy’ ? Mark said something like – It is holding hands together, going out for long walks, talking about what happened during the day, sharing quality time together, etc.
And I was like, oops, I don’t know why I could not give a good definition. I just said “Highest form of love” and though I did not write it down, I told them (including Mark) that I also meant to say all the things he said. Ha, I’m glad they didn’t cross-check my answer like they do in the beauty pageants.

And then uncle said something so important >Many think that intimacy starts with sex – that better sex = better intimacy, when actually it is the other way around : Better intimacy = better sex.

Intimacy is developed by commitment to little things – communication, forgiveness, spending time together, coming home straight from work, companionship and so much more.

So, what if anyone was physically and emotionally intimate with others before marriage? Does it affect marriage later on?

I remember at a camp, in a panel discussion, somebody was answering this question.  He said – “The problem is  that sex is such a powerful thing – whoever you have it with, you cannot forget that person.”  The memories of the act are still vivid in your mind. That’s why it says  “the two shall become one flesh” talking about sex in marriage. Meaning, you become inseparable, because your whole body, mind and soul is intimately involved in the entire act. And the worst consequence is this : when you find your soul mate, and make love, there is a tendency to compare the sexual experiences – almost naturally. You struggle inside because you cannot share it with anyone! And this includes not just intercourse but everything that leads up to it – which also comes under physical intimacy.

A girl I knew struggled with this so much. She wished she could physically take an eraser and erase the memories of past physical intimacy. She found the one to marry, and her biggest struggle was to forget the past. She did everything possible – erased all traces of her ex from her life – his gifts, emails, letters, cards, everything. But how could she erase what was etched into her soul? A part of her soul, she felt, was given away to him. At that time, she did think about it so much, but now she found her soul mate, but  a part of her soul was missing.

I’ve also known married friends, having an affair outside, struggling to get back in love with their respective spouses, because the sexual forbidden encounters stole the precious spark that once existed in their marriage.

Sex is a gift to be unwrapped after marriage and in marriage only, and any other use of it outside marriage is abusing the gift, and abusing your own body.

But that does not have to wreck you. There is a way out. To take God’s help and move on – He is the lover of your soul and nobody does soul-repair like He can. And of course, nothing is more self-healing than sharing it with a trusted friend, preferably of the same sex. Get it out and get done with it.

My heart goes out to see many guys and girls emotionally damaged because of the abuse of sex in their lives – either as a willing partner, or forced down. Don’t be disheartened and don’ t let it weigh you down.

Please don’t stick in a relationship, just because you got physically close and you feel obliged, unless you know that he/she is the person you are definitely going to get married. I want you to know that you can walk out.

I pray for all my single friends, that they will be able to say no to sex. The  principle of postponed pleasure applies to premarital sex also, and the fruit of it will be so sweet – it is worth the wait!

“… a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Gen 2:24


  1. Hmmm… so i read this one today!

    Seriously, I d skip a response (cos not all need it ) but …i was like….what the heck! I don’t want it be ‘oh that topic'(to be read only)Considering the number of responses you got to your previous blogs 😉

    Could it still be a taboo to take a stab at it, this openly?!?! :p ….may be yes, may be no!

    Thanks for taking the time to share this with a dash of humor, illustrations and weaving it with your views & experience!

    My two cents –

    Whether 13 or 30 (and over) We ‘ve heard views on this time and again from conservatives & liberals too (not political context; in societal context) we have boundaries created by family & church ,the ‘curbs’ and consequences of indulging (emotional, physical & eternal)

    I do understand we ‘re talking contextually here( your marriage, your counseling etc…), but for those youngsters who are reading this , some of those who have marriage at a range of 6-8 years down the road whether singly single or committed single need to know there’s one one word in here for them- ‘ABSTINENCE’.

    However, considering age & phases, peer pressure and the current times of permissive behaviors,one thing needs to be tamed -the physical intimacy ,even sexual progression (not amounting to sex)as a result of hormone(nal) tsunami.

    Once hooked & booked & married, the liberties of being blessed by the pleasure of Intimacy & enjoying further take its turn & culminate into a bliss that one will always be thankful for looking back at the ‘curbs’.

    As many of us have done , we hope many many more will join in to take a stand!

    • Thanks Rach! Wish I had more comments of yours to other posts as well. You’re so good at putting your point across, and you do a great job. You’re right in saying that abstinence is the way to go, and the earlier teens realize it, the better. thanks again!

  2. Sweetheart…..i think this 3 letter word *** is still a taboooooooo to be discussed and I applaud you for penning it down. HATS OF TO YOU……….. ek dum jhakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas types… Itna khatarnaak subject ko ek dum …..simple kar diya.

    I was dissappointed not seeing many comments on this post of your. Anyways… thanks for your insight… on SEX…. I hope many must have read this and are reading it now… will surely relate to this.

    A decade into marriage and yet again today reading this I had a few and many new learnings……..This would be my second round of pre marital counselling …….sorry post marital counselling. I guess every 5 years(hmm)……..too long a period….infact every 2 years we should have post marital counselling and this would definetly help us understand Expectations Vs Realty.

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