Day 22: Most fruitful two-and-half hours!

“So did you take home anything after the last counseling session? Or have you thought about any issue during the week?” asked our counselor Samson Gandhi at our last premarital counseling session at PtP today.

I jumped up, as always. “I thought about the insecurity issue I had, and it seemed so funny!” And we all cracked up.

Thru’ the week, I zoomed out of myself, and saw the little (big) fear I had and I was like “Man, this is not even happening. I’m worrying about what if that happened, or this happened, and if it happened then how would I deal with it. I actually laughed to myself!”

Mark smiled and I guess andhar andhar he was thinking “hope this feeling lasts for a long time.”

That ONE person!
There is always that ONE person around us somewhere who bugs us. Either at office or in the family, or among relatives, or extended friends circle. And we talked about the ONE persons in each of our lives. We kept laughing and laughing and just enjoying speaking about how the ‘ONE persons’ get on to our nerves. “I’m fine with all of our friends, but that ONE person,” Mark said, and I echoed the same – ek dam ditto.

Uncle was like “You will always have that ONE person in your life. This ONE might go away, but soon another ONE will come along. God allows such people in our lives to perfect our character. So just accept the ONEs, and deal with them.”

He also pointed out the need to be assertive. If you have an issue with someone, gently confront them. Initially, people might label you as proud or whatever, but later they’ll come around. ONE-derful!

Principle of postponed pleasure
When it came to finances, aunty and uncle gave us a thumb rule – principle of postponed pleasure. Avoid instant spending to gratify your desire to buy something NOW, and it will help you a great deal in the long run. An excellent principle for spending in marriage! However, when it fits into your ‘spending budget’ for that month, go ahead and buy stuff for each other. The same principle is used in abstinence from premarital sex as well. You can read more on the link at the end.

Typical Scene

Spouse comes home late -later than promised. Here are 2 responses:

Insecure person’s response: “Why did you come late? You said you would come at 7 and its 8 pm now. What were you doing” .. and starts grumbling and complaining.

Secure person’s response: “Let me help you there. You seem really tired. Let’s have dinner.” And later during dinner, ask gently
what had happened.

An insecure person is always easily offended and gets upset for almost anything, assumes all things, and thinks the worst possible reasons!
God, help me not to be that!

3 Main causes for divorce the world over:

1. Lack of communication  2. Money  3. Lack of sexual adjustment.

We spoke at length on all three.

Take-home points

  • When your wife cries, just be there for her. Don’t try to figure out actually why she is still crying. You can never fully figure out why women cry. So just hold her hand, and don’t ever respond in a harsh manner when she cries.
  • Avoid meeting persons of the opposite sex alone, outside, and of course not behind closed doors. Best place to entertain them is at home when your spouse is around. Common friends are the best! This is just to protect your marriage.
  • A woman leaves her covering and protection of her father and home and comes to the man. The best thing a man can do for a woman is protect her.

Now what that means is not just protecting against gundaas and cockroaches or lizards, but defending your wife in public when she is publicly being insulted or put down by close friends or relatives. Always stand up for her and defend her when she is being accused. You can disagree in private later. Protect her always (esp. in front of her in-laws. Silence also is not an option. Man, you gotta speak up for your lady)

  • Many believe that first comes sex, and then intimacy. But >> better intimacy, better sex. (Intimacy  includes communication, spending quality time, etc.)
  • Always be one, while disciplining your children. Don’t allow them to manipulate one parent against the other.
  • Discipline your first child as early as possible. Don’t wait until the second one comes along to do that. That breeds bitterness,and the first one suffers!

Bottom line

“Weeds grow, but rice is cultivated.” Similarly, marriage is cultivated. Its a deliberate effort made by both partners to love. It just does not happen. There needs to be room for compromise and adjustment. Every married couple need to work at their marriage, even if they don’t feel like it.

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